Fire

in my head and ice in my gut.

It hurts, it burns, it screams within my skull. I want to crush my skull and let the crazy bleed out of the cracks.
My mind is whirring away faster than I can type. Red and Black flash in front of my eyes, the screaming won't stop.

My hands are shaking, I keep making mistakes. Why is this happening? Not now. Please.

I'll be better, I promise, just let me make it through the night. My hair is aflame and my entrails are shards of frozen hatred. I feel like vomiting but nothing comes up and I just sputter and choke.

Fuck.

Why won't the screaming stop? Take it away, take it away, take it all away!

Writing this seems to be keeping it in check if not helping it. It hurts to focus. I regret it all. I recall every petty mistake I've made in my life, they burn as they are seared into my eyes. My humiliation has never been this complete.

Its starting to pass.
Fuck it still hurts. My chest aches, tears are streaming down my face.
Fuck.

Good Deeds

I've done mine for the day.

Feels good.

Ba-Pah!

How does one describe the joy of emptiness? How to put into words and phrases the unparalleled freedom beholden to the apathetic? Surely there is a way but it is beyond me.

Another day, another "Cure". Sometimes I wish they would just medicate me like normal people.

Happiness, sadness, all gone. Emptied out by a prescription or a fix. Emotions spirited away to far-off corners of an uncaring world.

I'm not unhappy, I'm just... I just am. Again. This is familiar territory. The cliche is almost unbearable but I really am just a caricature of the American Teen. Maybe I'm not the stupid American envisioned by denizens of the outside world, but I fit, jigsaw like, into the framework laid down by disinterested Hollywood directors and manipulative writers.

I am Donnie Darko/ Igby/ The Lisbon's (lost son)/ Susanna Kayson('s alter ego)/ Jason Dean/ Harry Goldfarb/ etc. etc. ad nauseum. But boring. Very, Very Boring.

What happens when you can no longer distinguish misery from everyday life? Adolescence.

Paradox of Affection

There is much to say and so very little time to say it, so I shall make haste.
There is a certain feeling (euphoria perhaps?) that overwhelms me in your presence. Long have I watched, never speaking, only listening. Perchance you've noticed? No. No, that would be asking too much. Verily, mine is the lot of the sad and quiet. One day, however, one day I shall rise and all shall know my name. Then, perhaps, you shall deign to notice me. When I am chief among your suitors, will you glance my way? When the world is mine and all are mine for the taking, would you give yourself to me? No. No, and that is why my desire has grown and grown. Your contempt would no more be mitigated by wealth or status than by the weather or daily news. You cast not a glance towards Yours Truly, not because I am beneath you, but because you are honestly disinterested, and this horrid honesty is what makes you so reassuringly attractive. It may be that I have said too much now, perhaps these things are better left unspoken (they oft are) but I'm afraid that I am neither able nor willing to maintain plaintive silence any longer, silently lusting whilst you flit to and fro 'neath my gaze.

I love you precisely because you will not love me.

Home Again

Got back from the Big Bend today, well, technically yesterday as it's now 4:09 a.m. but still...
It does a body good to go off into the world. I look forward to being able to run off without parental supervision in the near future; Summer is close and for the first time I have a license and a vehicle, and I intend to use them.
For now I am at peace, the desert air has refreshed me. Currently, I'm avoiding sleep because if I don't sleep, I don't have to get up in the morning.
My car is in the shop and it's supposed to be very, very cold this morning, so I'm not looking forward to my commute, although I may have a ride.

Lost my train of thought, had to kill a bug.

I love being nocturnal, though I wish I had some caffeine, even one of those horrid 5-hour things.
anyway, I'm just rambling now, as is my wont early in the morning, so I shall bid thee adieu.

Genetic, Contagious.

Just wanted to let a couple of things be known;

1. Life is good
2. I love you

That will be all.

Raised by Wolves

I'm antsy again. I've got that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that can only mean one of two things; either something is about to go terribly wrong or I'm about to to have the time of my life.
I don't know what is about to happen but I know that it will be dangerous and exciting and exhilarating. Hopefully it will also be fun. It usually is.

The desert at night can be amazingly peaceful. With any luck I'll be able to sneak away over spring break and enjoy some stargazing.

A shiver just ran down my spine, this is going to be big. I can barely suppress a giggle. I really am out of control, I need to get a grip. Every time I close my eyes an image appears before me; a street, lit by a single old streetlight. I'm sprinting headlong forward, feet pounding madly, arms flailing, hair whipping around my face. I look back and grin from ear to ear. Friends, I'm not sure who, but I know they're friends, are running along with me. A pack of laughing, whooping, running dervishes we are. I open my eyes and all that is left is a faint after-image of my foot outstretched to take another step forward.

I'm excited.

"They hung her from the bridge on Monday. The gathering turned into a mob out on the lawn. They dropped her body in the river. And school and work returned to normal before long..."

Despite my fatalistic protests to the opposite, life is actually pretty okay for me right now. I started talking to people again, which is good. I love meeting new people, I just don't seem to do it much anymore. I'm thinking about calling some old friends just to say 'Hello" as well.
In fact, the more I write it down, the more I realize that I'm actually in a very good mood! Odd how that happens, we don't realize how we really feel til its already out of our mouths. Its funny how my heart can swell with joy after so long being withered and dry, I suppose I still have enough room in my life for people after all. How exhilarating it is to just live life, I am constantly amazed at the little things that make me smile; a stranger's laugh, a friend's smile, the bright sunshine, the shiver of anticipation as the clock nears 2:15. Life is good.

I guess I'll conclude with another Top Five: The Top Five All Time Folk Songs:

1. Alice's Restaurant -Arlo Guthrie
2. This Land is Your Land -Woody Guthrie
3. Where Have All the Flowers Gone? -Pete Seeger and Peter, Paul, and Mary
4. Little Boxes -Pete Seeger
5. The Times, They are A'Changing -Bob Dylan

"But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself. It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope."

Being alone sucks. Do you realize that? it really does. It sucks on a major scale. Loneliness is no minor suckage, this is major-league, knock-down-and-drag-out misery here.

Being alone is akin to having white-hot metal disks inserted underneath your fingernails. In your mind.
So what do we do? We try and get together, to pair off, we find ourselves someone we can stand and who, more importantly, can stand us and we stick with them. And when this brilliant setup goes wrong? Fire and Brimstone.

Every now and again, you can find someone who fits the above description, and you settle down, and all is good, right? And then what? It all goes to shit. Or even more likely, you find someone who you think the world of, someone you could spend the rest of your life loving, and what happens? They see you as the scum of the earth, not worth their notice. So you crawl away, broken and bruised, nursing your wounds.

It all ends in loneliness. At least for us it does. There will always be those for whom the system works, those who get their fairy-tale ending. They exist just to offer you false hope so that your dreams may be shattered and defiled once more.

Galvanized

My brain is about to implode from a frenetic blend of boredom and manic energy.

I want to run and jump and scream and shout as I rush down dark streets in the night. I want to be in a pack, a gang of free children, unstoppable and ever-moving. I want to find out how many fences can be jumped, how many roads can be ran, how many holes crawled through in one night. I want to be free and wild and open.
This house is a cage, its bars made of warmth and comfort and heavy rules. I want to be uncomfortable, I want to be lawless and cracked open. I want to break rules, not because they are rules but because they are barriers. I want to revel in the cold, frosty air as I shudder, more from excitement than anything else.
I want to watch as the world burns to the ground behind closed suburban doors while I sprint past, hurtling along to some unspecified destination. I want to whoop and cheer and cackle and call.
The world is a big, dangerous playground and I want to get hurt, to get dirty, down, down, down to the Earth. I want to scrape knees and tear jeans. I want to crawl through the mud, the rusty pipes.

I want to run, swiftly, without cause, purpose or destination.

New and Shiny

I quite like this new look, true the dates don't quite work and it's difficult to navigate, but overall I think it'll do, at least until I find an even better one.

Not a nefarious attempt.

So, I just got home, stripped off my suit, slip into jeans and a T-shirt and flopped down on the bed to do some thinking, and I've wrestled myself to a stalemate. My thinking was this: what would happen if we abolished individual governance? Completely overthrew the system of nations, protectorates etc. that we have today? I wonder, after the completely implausible event that would have to occur in order to make it so, what would happen? Would one, global, government be more efficient? Fair? Just? or would it be doomed to inevitable failure? I've got my hypotheses but I was wondering, what do you think?
So, I'm asking any and all of you who read this blog to give me an answer, I won't be posting anything new for a few days so I can focus on this discussion. Please, don't be shy, I want to hear from you.