My problem (one of them anyway), I try so hard to be the guy that people are talking about when they say things like " He's so sweet" or " He's always there for me" when they think that that person isn't listening. Being uniformly perfect is, well, completely bullshit. Its not possible. Never has been, never will be. But I try anyway, I say all the right things, I help out whenever I can, I buy people things. And worst of all, I'm not even trying for the affection of one person, that's not good enough, I have to be loved and admired, and respected by everybody. My deepest insecurity is that I don't care enough, and my correction for this? to become even more insecure, to be the kind of person who needs validation for everything they do. I hate this kind of person, I truly do, they drive me mad with their incessant whining that "Nobody likes me!". I sincerely hope that this entire group of people dies horrifyingly painful deaths. So where does that put me? Squarely in another group of scummy low-lifes that I hate; the sad little buggers who truly hate themselves. Thats me, the guy you see in the office who one day is gonna snap and blow himself up with a homemade pipe bomb. So you see what I am? I am one of those very few people who have the gift and curse of understanding themselves completely. People talk of "finding" themselves, figuring out who they are at a basic level. Not me. I know, I know every last pathetic flaw in my character, I am intimately familiar with the stinking cesspool that makes up my soul. They say that this knowledge is liberating, that it brings enlightenment. I for one can tell you that they are lying.
So next time you have a bad day and you feel like the scum of the earth, just remember, it could be worse. You could have to live in MY head.
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Hey man...I wouldn't mind living in your head. I feel like a rock against a river most of my life. Shit comes and goes I'm still there. I make new friends, lose old ones, lose the new ones get other new ones, get back the old ones. I mean, I'm the one always getting called out for doing something everyone else knows not to. It's like I can't change my station in life, I continue to scrape by in school, continue to change, continue to ruin, smash, destroy. And because I've never "ran with the river" I have a diverse experience in many fields and subjects. It helps get friends...and lose them. The objects my affection are always either too close or too far, I always ruin, smash, destroy. It's like my life passes me by, I live it but I'm controlled by the unseen like a puppet. I have no idea what to do at times. In fact I really can't even imagine what my future will be.
ReplyDeleteSo in short, you're a really amazing person. You have no reason to need to validate everything, in fact I've never heard anything but praise of you! You won't be the Office Psycho, you won't be in an office at all. You'll be a traveler, an inspirer, a creator. Me...God knows...I'll end up the next Kissinger. But last of all don't doubt yourself. You give so much you might as well be running a Goddam charity if it was money. I mean it was very recently I was counting on my fingers how many days i'd known you, and look now.
Dammit, you're good enough!
Sincerely,
Alex